magic toy poop and unwanted kisses

i love how easy it is to trick small children. they have so much faith and will believe almost everything. my oldest (seven) is able to see through most of my tricks. my youngest (one) is unable to even understand what i'm doing. but my two middle ones (three and five) still fall prey to my traps nearly every day.

for the five year old . . . last night as we were playing in the living room, i randomly grabbed a small, ball shaped plastic farm animal, a vital piece for the intense game of barnyard uno. i showed him the toy and pretended to stick it in my mouth. next for the swallow. the final stage was to make a pooping sound and pulling the toy from underneath me. he died laughing. i must have done it a dozen time, every time laughing just as hard as the first time. i wish it were this easy to entertain adults. it would make for easier sermon deliveries. an hour later he was still talking about how i ate the toy and pooped it out. i hope he doesn't try this. make for awkward emergency room discussion.

for the three year old . . . lately she has been allowing me less and less kisses. which would be fine except for the fact that her cheeks are still way too chubby to not be kissed. it's her own fault really. holding her hands down only brought screaming. a couple of days ago i formulated a new strategy. i walked up to her during breakfast and said "i'm going to give you a little hug right now. you can give me a hug but don't you dare give me a kiss. i don't like them anymore. i don't want them!!" my seven year old, wise to my tactic, gave me a look, but fortunately remained quiet. i hugged her and placed my cheek as near to her lips as i could. she took the bait. i frowned, screamed, kissed her, and said don't you do that again. she laughed and did it again. this went on for several minutes. still worked last night at bed time and this morning when i left for work.

the real crime is not the poop

today on my run, i strode into a nasty clump of soggy dog poop.

i can sympathize with your lack of desire to pick up what your doggy plops out. in fact, you could strongly argue that the fact that i stepped into it is my own fault. or that other wilder animals treat the whole world as their toilet, without a complaint risen. if i had a dog, i would grudgingly pick up it's feces and quite possibly, at times, would refuse to remove said refuse.

i have come to terms with your ways, dog owners, and i am not seeking reform on this point.

here is my problem and hear it well.

i cannot empathize, sympathize, or in any way pathize your unwillingness to LEASH your dog in public places.

why don't you do this? what is the problem? how many defenseless women and children must they bark, chase, terrorize, nibble at, pee upon, etc. etc. ?

at many times you are even holding the leash. your hand is on it. why do you see such an inconvenience in actually strapping the other end to your pup?

this stupidity transcends gender, race, socio-economics. the flag for global unity should be a person holding a leash screaming at his dog "FIDO, HEEL, HEEL, NOW, NOW" while fido is gnawing on a runner's precious calf.

it is my leg, it's all i have left, you are taking it from me, how can i be expected to run without it??